Your honest opinion of my writing(be blatant please)?

Okay, so this is the final(hopefully) draft of the first 1-3 pages of my story, so far I've racked up 204. Honest opinion? Thank you ahead of time.








It was ironic: Ending a Vessel鈥檚 life at the same place that mine had also ended.Or maybe clich茅, today happened to be the day before my own death a year ago. The two consequentials collided, making me feel nostalgic, reminiscent. The weather outside the window was exactly the same as it had been that day: Rainy and foggy. Destiny was reveling; the circumstances were too non-discreet to be writ off as pure coincidence.


The interior of the room was the one thing that was original, altered from how it had been in my memory of a foregone life. Before, the place had been relatively bare, a small TV, a couch, and an armchair being the only decorative center pieces. Now though, the walls had been repainted, overlapping the decaying murky brown with plain white. A shag rug was in the center of the room accompanied with a plasma screen TV. Facing it were three leather arm chairs, the kind that were in prime condition unlike the one that had been there before, the one with tears and white stuffing coming out of them and scraps hidden inside its folds. Paintings, vases, round glass tables, there were too many exquisite, in comparison, changes to account for, but these specific details drew my eye. Part of me expected for this place to stay in a time stasis, the solitary place of the world that would always remain constant while everything around it changed. Theses changes evoked that the world had continued even after I had left it. I was an unneeded number to its equation. It didn鈥檛 matter if I was there or if I weren鈥檛 there, the sum would always be the same.


The world had moved on. I hadn鈥檛.


Having this callous fact shoved in front of my face was painful reality, a cold slap in the face.


I closed the apartment door behind me, snuffing out the crack of light from the hallway that had escaped into the room, and locked it. It was a full moon today, but the clouds were eclipsing its pale rays. The room was dark. Even though I was part of the Darkness, it didn鈥檛 grant me sight-all-seeing: I still needed a light. From the obscurity of my vision, I could see a lamp in the corner of the room precariously placed on top of a stack of boxes. My eyes were beginning to adjust, but I still walked slowly over to it, ensuring that I didn鈥檛 trip over anything. I pulled the switch and its shaded, yellow light illuminated the room, dampening its bleakness. I turned around and set off to settle myself into one of the armchairs. I stretched my legs and lazily rested my arms onto its rests.


What I was doing was sickening, both an insult to hers and my own memory, but I found that for the most part, I really didn鈥檛 care. Stoicism was becoming my forte, slowly developing into an unhealthy habit. It was a necessary, but unfortunate, trait that was needed where was I was now: Hell. Almost literally. If I allowed my heart to overshadow my craving instincts, I would be punished. Punished beyond the likes of which I had ever experienced before.


My ears pricked up as the sound of jangling keys issued close from beyond the other side of the door, stationary, the sound didn鈥檛 fade away. This wasn鈥檛 a passerby; my break was being cut short. In a flash, I jumped up from the comforts of the armchair and rushed off to the lamp, turning it off, darkness engulfing the room again. My heart rate immediately picked up in double-time, gushing with excitement carried in my veins throughout my body. This was pleasing to me; I hadn鈥檛 felt a surge of emotion like this since the last time I had to do鈥his. Apparently, the effect didn鈥檛 get old but instead ripened with repetition.


The lock clicked and the doorknob turned as the door was swiftly opened. The light of the hallway bedazzled the Vessel: A man donning a brown suit who looked to be in his thirties, his black hair tied in a ponytail from the back of his head. He yawned widely, closed the door, and flicked on the light switch beside him simultaneously. My eyes squinted as the overhead light turned on. The lamp鈥檚 light had been dim, but this was exuberant, almost unbearable. It didn鈥檛 bother him in the slightest. Yawning again, he slugged his way over to the coat rack by the lamp in the corner I was in, and pulled off his jacket, hanging it onto one of the hooks.


He was tangibly close. I could perfectly see every minute blemish and speck of unshaven hair populating his face, every deep bag burrowed underneath his bloodshot eyes. My body was going haywire, reacting as it usually did whenever a Vessel was nearby. But since this one was so close, everything became proportionately magnified
Your honest opinion of my writing(be blatant please)?
Hah, you know my answer =P





It's still good- you should work on the next part.
Your honest opinion of my writing(be blatant please)?
Truthfully, I could only get through the first 10 sentences. Nothing grabbed my attention and it really made no sense at all. You used way to many descriptive words and the story took forever to advace.





Another thing, it seemed like the typical "Twilight" rip off. Yes, I know the stories are totally different. What I mean is, you saw all the popular vampire books out today and decided to write your own version of someone elses story. It felt like I had read this before.





I say, try again. Be unique, creative, special. If the story really is all those things, work on a way to grab the readers attention and make them actually wanting to read all that. As I said, I only made it through the first 10 sentnces before I was bored.
Reply:That's really good! But ppl who don't quite love lit might find it too draggy though.
Reply:Snore.... it's pretty much everything editors hate. 1} it gives a play by play description of EVERYTHING, assuming the reader is incapable of using his imagination. 2} writing from the POV of being dead, and then switching to alive and back again. 3} it's wordy and has no rising action.





what I want to know is what the h*ll is a VESSEL, and why should it matter. Try reading a book called "The First Five Pages" -- it can tell you much more than I can.
Reply:Totally awesome... the first part threw me a couple of times as I couldn't figure out how the man was alive although it was the day before his death a year ago but he was standing there... LOL Sounds like a great book so far.. makes me wonder... what's a vessel... why does the man live in his own hell... will he get caught this time???





Very detailed. Already suspenseful and I just started reading. I think you have a real thing going so far... just don't blow the end! hahaha.....





I think about the 16th line down a sentence starts with the word Theses and I wasn't sure if that was what you wanted or if you wanted "these". Just a side note...





Hope you do well and make millions!


Your unofficial, anonymous on your end... fan LOL
Reply:more descriptive words. fewer "big words"-- simplification is your friend. shorten sentences. think more hemmingway, less dickens. after a while it starts to read like "blah blah blah blah". show dont tell!!!! the parts where you do this are more intriguing. ie "could perfectly see every minute blemish and speck of unshaven hair populating his face, every deep bag burrowed underneath his bloodshot eyes". you could probably cut 2/3 out of this whole thing and it would be much more interesting. also eliminate cliches-- ie "a cold slap in the face". honestly, this could use some work-- it has the potential to capture the reader's attention, but at this point it needs to be drastically simplified to do so.
Reply:I believe you should have said 'be honest' or maybe 'be blunt', unless you really want us to be unpleasant or loud about your writing...





To be perfectly clear, your writing is way to verbose. Just use the old saying - don't use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice. =3 Really, no one talks like this anymore. It sounds like you are trying to sound more intelligent or eloquent, but it really detracts from the whole story.





Second, please don't write any more stories about vampires. This world can't take it. Be original. Creativity is nice to see once in a while. Fan-fics are WAY overrated.





Third, (this kind of thing just bothers me) you repeat yourself. "Making me feel nostalgic, reminiscent." "Having this callous fact shoved in front of my face was painful reality, a cold slap in the face." Please, just say one or the other. It sounds as if you're trying to clarify or get your point across, which makes it sound as if you are trying to make your writing either more eloquent or that you are not assured enough of your own writing to see that the reader has gotten the point. Do you know what I mean?





Sorry if I was harsh. Keep it up though, writing is hard work.
Reply:I think it is good writing but it takes alot of effort to read because there alot of long, weird words and it is very descriptive.


I do like it though and think the story sounds interesting.
Reply:I don't usually get involved, but what the heck. Ok, the positives: you have potential, your writing is clean, you have a great vocabulary, and a good command of the english language, (now the negatives), but you are trying WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY too hard! You sound like you're talking down to us. Remember, simple is your friend.





Too make this work, you need to cut at least half of it out-trim the fat. Right now you're trying to fit an entire dictionary's worth of descriptive words in the first few pages. Don't treat your readers like unimaginative idiots.





Mix long sentences with short ones. Focus on pacing and the point, ie:where's this going, what's he doing there? And dont take too long to get there. We get bored fast!





Also, pay attention to the 'givens'. In other words, the little intricacies of your story that ONLY you know at this point. You're not clear about WHAT a vessel is; and it seems like you expect us to somehow just know.

flowers and gifts