Harry Potter experts needed! What is wrong with my fan fiction?

Note: repeat question.





I have posted the second chapter of my new, full-length Luna Lovegood fan fiction and updated the first chapter. I need true HP experts who will point out everything in my story that contradicts the Harry Potter books or any other faults.





http://www.life-after-harry-potter.com/f...





Best answer goes to whoever returns here and gives the most well-reasoned criticism of any single problem.





Details:


1) I will post a new mini-chapter each Friday.


2) There is no adult content.


3) The story is intended to agree 100% with Rowling's books.


4) This week's chapter is 12 pages - each page is nearly identical in length to a hard cover U.S. HP book page.


5) Two comment entry fields are provided on each page.


6) Scathing criticism welcome.





Thanks, loyal HP fans!





Jim





P.S. I will answer your questions about the book if you e-mail me here or at the site.


P.P.S. Thanks to the great response last week, I made several changes to the first chapter!
Harry Potter experts needed! What is wrong with my fan fiction?
I, being a loyal HP fan, will read and comment on it honestly for you.





Okay, first of all, Luna Lovegood does not have a mother. Or, at least the books never mentions it.





Second, you say that this is set during the second Harry Potter book. Well then how can Luna only be 9? She is the


same age as Harry, who is 12 during the second book.





Thirdly, Exstinguere is not a spell. If Venus wants to put out a fire, then she would use Aguamenti, a spell that makes water come out of a wand.
Harry Potter experts needed! What is wrong with my fan fiction?
To start with, the very format which you have set up for critiquing your story makes it difficult and tedious to read. Your format (with your concerns and the comment box) very much makes it feel like some sort of exam.





Secondly, while the technical aspects of your story should of course concern you, that very concern seems to overshadow your story. Perhaps you should consider publishing this on any of the numerous Harry Potter fan sites in a regular format and not be quite so concerned with graphics, links, or excessive description.

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