Please tell me how this sounds...?

Ok, I've put peices of my story on here like a few times.(not this part,) but I want to know if it sounds good or bad. Be as harsh as you'de like. it's a dream that the main character is having about her mom. also, if you have any ideas for reasons behind this dream, i'de like to hear them because i'm not exactly sure why she's having the nightmare in the first place. thanks!!! here goes...





My mom and I were sitting underneath the old tree in the meadow. It was our place. A place where we could be alone together, detached from the world. We could sit under that old tree for hours and talk about nothing in particular. We could, at the same time, sit under that tree and become much closer to each other than most mothers and daughters were. Each passing second was a time to create another bond, something that intertwined our spirits into a tight knot that no one could loosen.


So, as we sat and talked, my mother came to the conclusion that we didn’t need anything else. She decided that we would run away. My mother wouldn’t tell me why, and I was so happy to see her again that I didn’t even care where I was or who I was with, as long as I had her near me. She talked of going to some place warm and exotic, like Hawaii, but she also talked of going somewhere nearly separate from the world, like Antarctica.


I didn’t know how she thought that we could ever survive there, I mean, people aren’t even allowed to live there unless they are there for some scientific research or something, aren’t they?


“Mom?” I couldn’t contain myself. I had to use the word, I just had to. I had been deprived of it for too long.


“Yes, Ava?” She asked. Her voice was as smooth as silk.


“Why do you want to leave?” That was the question that had been playing through my mind all day, but now, it seemed to be getting louder and louder, commanding me to ask her.


“Because, I want it to be just you and me, sweetheart. See Ava, ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to get out of this place.” I hadn’t known that. I thought that she wanted to stay here, but I suppose that 30 some years of seeing the same people and places took its toll on everybody.


“Okay, mom. We can go wherever you want, as long as it’s not Antarctica.”


She laughed. Oh, how great it felt to hear her laugh again. The short, shrill sound of it didn’t bother me now like it used to. It seemed natural; I wanted her to laugh again, and again, and again. I didn’t want it to stop but, soon after it started, it did.


“Deal,” She let out a short sigh. She was no longer in pain, no longer asleep, no longer incapable of saying that one word that made my heart jump. “So… let’s get packing.” Just like that? Just like that?


Why did she want to leave now? Was she planning on saying goodbye to the people and places that might be getting old to her, but were all that I could hold on to? How could she be so selfish?


So selfish… just like I had been all these years. I decided not to fight, not to make my opinion known, I decided, for once to keep my mouth shut.


Then, she said something that I hadn’t expected her to say…


“Wait here. I’ll go get our stuff packed and I’ll be back in less than a half an hour to pick you up.”


I realized now that she was going to commit a complete abduction of her own child. I wasn’t going to be able to see my father again and she was making it that way on purpose.


So I started to scream, as loud as a spoiled child who, for once, didn’t get the toy that they wanted from the store. She whipped her head around so that it was facing me, and I looked back at her in complete terror. In an instant, her blank expression turned into an evil smirk.
Please tell me how this sounds...?
I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it was too repetitive. But it was very boring and hard to focus on. Sorry. It needs a rewrite. Pax-C
Please tell me how this sounds...?
...i thought it was pretty good...
Reply:I liked it and I thought that you did a very good job at making me wonder what the dream was about and made me want to here more. After thinking about it I think that Ava is having the dream because she has a huge fear of change and lets say her mother just died and they were close it would have a big impact on her and make her feel as if a major change in her life is occurring.
Reply:Sorry but its a wee bit repetitive and boring. More adjectives maybe? Show don't tell.
Reply:I thought it was good. Not your best though. I really liked it up until the end. I didn't like the end that much. I think you could make it even worse, like she went to get your stuff and never came back. Or you watched as death took her away from you and there was nothing you could do. Cause it just seemed if you missed your mom so much, and were planning on leaving with her, you would know you'd have to leave. And if you didn't get to see your dad...ya you'd be sad, but wouldn't be screaming like a kid who didn't get a toy that they wanted, so sudden[like you wouldn't cry so sudden] it would be more of a weep you know? like ... what Im not going to see my father ever again? And to me she wouldn't have an evil smirk, she would be explaining...and if its suppose to be a nightmare, shed maybe haul you in the car against will and drive you away with out clothes or anything, cause why risk getting caught getting your daughters clothes when your suppose to be dead. you know? And then ava could have ran away while her mom got her clothes. Theres a lot of holes. You got to watch tthat. But... if its a dream it can have holes, and not make sense. But if thats the case you need to say that. like...I dont know why I was screaming so hard, because I could run away...or I dont know why I was screaming so hard, cause I do miss my mom...ect... Those arnt great examples but hopefully you get my point. But like I said it can have holes in a dream, and you dont have to explain them if you dont want to. It does sound really good, i didn't mean to be harsh. I would definatly buy this story if you publish. Are you going to?Hope I could help!!
Reply:It was okay. For me, it wasn't too boring but it wasn't gripping either.





Pax-C can be kinda cruel but I'd take her advice if I were you. And don't get put off because you do have talent.





Good luck!

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